True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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