Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
