I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Come share oat with me in your robe
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
