ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
