hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
