PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my sisters under your porch take her home
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize