Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
