so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
