I wish my penis had an off switch
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize