i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
