"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
