It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
