PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dicks are not precious.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
