His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
