paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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