what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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