hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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