I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
