i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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