what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
