you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize