Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
