I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
