No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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