I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
