My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
