u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
