it's not cheating when I paid for it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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