1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need a beard to bite.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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