New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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