I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
