i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
