I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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