I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize