i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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