I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
