Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
