that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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