i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
