Banned from zoo.
Again?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
