I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
