Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
