Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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