This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
