dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
