that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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