Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
