how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
