I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
