I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
