I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
