I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i think my cat just said my name.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
