That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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