Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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