umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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