yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
