if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
