I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
