areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
