just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
