Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
