We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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