I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
