I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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